A nurse that can't nurse
World breastfeeding week is August 1-7... Got it!
This is something that I have been struggling with whether I should write this or not.
Here goes...
Like many new moms I was sure that I would breastfeed. I longed to have that "bond" that women talk about with their new little baby. You know, that amazing connection that makes everything that is going wrong seem so much less important.
After Gus was born I held this beautiful little person I my chest and was in awe of what he was capable of. We laid there together for what seemed like forever and he slowly started to inch his way down my chest and tried to nurse. Instincts...Such powerful little things. Our midwife gave us a few pointers on making sure that the latch was good and that our first experience nursing was good. I wouldn't say that at that point it was frustrating but I think that for a moment I thought "this is going to be hard." The labor and delivery nurse came in and helped get Gus to latch a bit better but there was still this fumbling that was in the way. A lactation consultant came by as well and I was explaining my concerns to her and they all seemed to fall on deaf ears. Andy and I looked at one another with puzzled expressions...Is this right? is that right?
In our pregnancy Andy and I had taken a breast feeding class that was lead by a very well known LC. She told us some specific things to do in order to make the transition a little easier. In the hospital when speaking with their LC she said none of it was needed. Sadly she was wrong. Like many first time mothers I saw her as the expert. She "knew" what she was doing and would make sure that everything was right...right?? No. Whether she was too busy or over-worked she passed by our concerns with little care. It wasn't until we got home with Gus that we realized something wasn't quite right. By that evening the LC we had taken the class from was at our house and gave us some really disheartening news. Gus had lost almost a pound in two days and after he had nursed for forty minutes he had only taken 5ml's...that is one teaspoon of milk after almost an hour of nursing and then pumping.
I was heart broken. I wanted this to work...After some tears Andy and I sat and listened to the new plan to help increase my supply. Nurse Gus for 15 minutes each side, then pump with a hospital grade pump for another 15-20 minutes. We stuck to this schedule every two hours...leaving me with about 15-20 minutes to eat, drink, and whatever else I might have to do in between feedings. The LC came to check on us once every couple days and would tell us how much Gus was taking and then how much I was able to pump out. We were very blessed by some amazing women that donated breast milk to us to help supplement my low supply. On top of the above schedule we were maintaining we did EVERYTHING that was suggested to us to increase my supply. Eating certain foods, drinking tons of water, herbs, supplements, skin to skin... Friends gave us suggestions, I read everything and anything I could on what to do but nothing seemed to flip a magic switch. After six weeks my supply was pretty much evened out and it became clear that I wasn't ever going to catch up with Gus' needs.
That was a hard thing to come to terms with...So I decided I wasn't going to give up. Andy and I talked about all our options. Continue with finding donor milk? Formula? You name it we talked about it. The answer was that I would pump every two hours and we would supplement Gus with Formula. Although we know the mom's milk is the best it would always be a concern to find more and more donor milk. I would continue to nurse Gus and then Andy would get to feed him with a bottle while I pumped to "empty" everything. We continued with this plan for awhile but it got harder and harder as Gus wanted more and more to eat.
Then was the worst of it all. Gus wasn't getting the food he wanted quick enough from me so our time nursing was getting less and less. He would get fussy and angry that it wasn't working well and he would just become frantic. Andy and I talked about everything again and decided that after his nighttime bottle before bed he would nurse. We would curl up on the couch together after bath time and it was just him and me. It was something I looked forward to every night. Again, after a few weeks Gus wanted more than I could give him and no longer would nurse even at night. Talking about nursing and all the possibilities was becoming so frustrating. It was all day everyday. Gus had had enough. Andy was frustrated and I was exhausted emotionally and physically. So we made a hard decision...one we don't regret.
Occasionally Gus will nuzzle at my chest and I will offer him to nurse. He just plays and then blows raspberries at me while smiling. This morning we were curled up in bed and he fell asleep on my chest and for the first time in a long time I had that feeling of it being him and me again.
Why am I writing all this out??? Who wants to read about this? Maybe no one...but yes, nursing is the best choice for your child, I know this. Some people choose not to and that is ok as well. Every decision we makes as parents is hard and those decisions have to work for each specific family.
This past week many of the blogs I follow were writing about why nursing your child is the best and the only option...I do agree it is GREAT for babies and it can be a wonderful bonding experience for mom's and their children...it is also REALLY hard for some people. I was actually upset by many things I read. Some people almost condemn what other mothers decide to do. To those woman I would like to ask, Did you have any struggles? Did it come easy?
I am not sure if I am the only person that feels this way but nursing was really really hard. It never came naturally to me or Gus. It was work. Sometimes I resented it and sometimes I enjoyed it. Now when I am sitting all alone in a room with my breast pump I get sad. No matter what we are doing or where we are going we have to bring a bottle, make sure we have formula, make sure we have the fully charged pump, storage bottles, ice and everything else that a baby needs,
To the woman that nursing was a breeze you are blessed. To the woman that have struggled and stuck with it I am proud to be part of your group. Most importantly to all mama's out there...it is hard and no matter what choice you make it is ok. Being a mom is the hardest, most rewarding and most challenging thing ever. Each day is new and confusing. There is no schedule. There is no book that has all the answers. All of our experiences combined are what make us connected. Each of those experiences is unique.
Thank you to all of my friends, family, blogs, mom's groups and whatever else I turned to for support on my quest. I learned alot.
Again Andy, I couldn't and wouldn't be here without you by my side. Supporting me every minute of everyday. You are an amazing partner, husband and father. We are so lucky. We have a beautiful baby boy and he is healthy and happy. It has been a journey and one that I have enjoyed taking with you.
This is something that I have been struggling with whether I should write this or not.
Here goes...
Like many new moms I was sure that I would breastfeed. I longed to have that "bond" that women talk about with their new little baby. You know, that amazing connection that makes everything that is going wrong seem so much less important.
After Gus was born I held this beautiful little person I my chest and was in awe of what he was capable of. We laid there together for what seemed like forever and he slowly started to inch his way down my chest and tried to nurse. Instincts...Such powerful little things. Our midwife gave us a few pointers on making sure that the latch was good and that our first experience nursing was good. I wouldn't say that at that point it was frustrating but I think that for a moment I thought "this is going to be hard." The labor and delivery nurse came in and helped get Gus to latch a bit better but there was still this fumbling that was in the way. A lactation consultant came by as well and I was explaining my concerns to her and they all seemed to fall on deaf ears. Andy and I looked at one another with puzzled expressions...Is this right? is that right?
In our pregnancy Andy and I had taken a breast feeding class that was lead by a very well known LC. She told us some specific things to do in order to make the transition a little easier. In the hospital when speaking with their LC she said none of it was needed. Sadly she was wrong. Like many first time mothers I saw her as the expert. She "knew" what she was doing and would make sure that everything was right...right?? No. Whether she was too busy or over-worked she passed by our concerns with little care. It wasn't until we got home with Gus that we realized something wasn't quite right. By that evening the LC we had taken the class from was at our house and gave us some really disheartening news. Gus had lost almost a pound in two days and after he had nursed for forty minutes he had only taken 5ml's...that is one teaspoon of milk after almost an hour of nursing and then pumping.
I was heart broken. I wanted this to work...After some tears Andy and I sat and listened to the new plan to help increase my supply. Nurse Gus for 15 minutes each side, then pump with a hospital grade pump for another 15-20 minutes. We stuck to this schedule every two hours...leaving me with about 15-20 minutes to eat, drink, and whatever else I might have to do in between feedings. The LC came to check on us once every couple days and would tell us how much Gus was taking and then how much I was able to pump out. We were very blessed by some amazing women that donated breast milk to us to help supplement my low supply. On top of the above schedule we were maintaining we did EVERYTHING that was suggested to us to increase my supply. Eating certain foods, drinking tons of water, herbs, supplements, skin to skin... Friends gave us suggestions, I read everything and anything I could on what to do but nothing seemed to flip a magic switch. After six weeks my supply was pretty much evened out and it became clear that I wasn't ever going to catch up with Gus' needs.
That was a hard thing to come to terms with...So I decided I wasn't going to give up. Andy and I talked about all our options. Continue with finding donor milk? Formula? You name it we talked about it. The answer was that I would pump every two hours and we would supplement Gus with Formula. Although we know the mom's milk is the best it would always be a concern to find more and more donor milk. I would continue to nurse Gus and then Andy would get to feed him with a bottle while I pumped to "empty" everything. We continued with this plan for awhile but it got harder and harder as Gus wanted more and more to eat.
Then was the worst of it all. Gus wasn't getting the food he wanted quick enough from me so our time nursing was getting less and less. He would get fussy and angry that it wasn't working well and he would just become frantic. Andy and I talked about everything again and decided that after his nighttime bottle before bed he would nurse. We would curl up on the couch together after bath time and it was just him and me. It was something I looked forward to every night. Again, after a few weeks Gus wanted more than I could give him and no longer would nurse even at night. Talking about nursing and all the possibilities was becoming so frustrating. It was all day everyday. Gus had had enough. Andy was frustrated and I was exhausted emotionally and physically. So we made a hard decision...one we don't regret.
Occasionally Gus will nuzzle at my chest and I will offer him to nurse. He just plays and then blows raspberries at me while smiling. This morning we were curled up in bed and he fell asleep on my chest and for the first time in a long time I had that feeling of it being him and me again.
Why am I writing all this out??? Who wants to read about this? Maybe no one...but yes, nursing is the best choice for your child, I know this. Some people choose not to and that is ok as well. Every decision we makes as parents is hard and those decisions have to work for each specific family.
This past week many of the blogs I follow were writing about why nursing your child is the best and the only option...I do agree it is GREAT for babies and it can be a wonderful bonding experience for mom's and their children...it is also REALLY hard for some people. I was actually upset by many things I read. Some people almost condemn what other mothers decide to do. To those woman I would like to ask, Did you have any struggles? Did it come easy?
I am not sure if I am the only person that feels this way but nursing was really really hard. It never came naturally to me or Gus. It was work. Sometimes I resented it and sometimes I enjoyed it. Now when I am sitting all alone in a room with my breast pump I get sad. No matter what we are doing or where we are going we have to bring a bottle, make sure we have formula, make sure we have the fully charged pump, storage bottles, ice and everything else that a baby needs,
To the woman that nursing was a breeze you are blessed. To the woman that have struggled and stuck with it I am proud to be part of your group. Most importantly to all mama's out there...it is hard and no matter what choice you make it is ok. Being a mom is the hardest, most rewarding and most challenging thing ever. Each day is new and confusing. There is no schedule. There is no book that has all the answers. All of our experiences combined are what make us connected. Each of those experiences is unique.
Thank you to all of my friends, family, blogs, mom's groups and whatever else I turned to for support on my quest. I learned alot.
Again Andy, I couldn't and wouldn't be here without you by my side. Supporting me every minute of everyday. You are an amazing partner, husband and father. We are so lucky. We have a beautiful baby boy and he is healthy and happy. It has been a journey and one that I have enjoyed taking with you.
Happy Nursing Week
Nicely said!
ReplyDeleteNicely said!
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