Never Enough

 There are things in life, rather moments in life, that you can never be truly prepared for. These moments are ones we read about, think about, plan for, and prep for.....but once they happen- nothing you imagined it would be like actually happens. These moments are often life changing.  The realization that you don't know ANYTHING until it happens is earth shattering. 

Some of these moments in my life have been the following

-Getting Divorced

-Falling in Love

-Being Pregnant

-Having a child

-Losing a child

- most recently, losing a parent

My father died on January 19th at 5:23pm. The six days leading up to his death were filled with emotions, tears, laughter, jokes, incredible sadness, and ultimately loss AND nothing could prepare any of us for it. 

For years, my family and I have known that "the phone call" was coming about my dad. He had been sick- very sick for the better part of a decade. Over the last 2 years his health declined rapidly and the "dad's sick" phone calls became more frequent and intense.

Two weeks ago another phone call happened, this one seemed like all the others. My sister and I both frustrated and upset talked with our mom. Then it happened...THE phone call. My dad had decided he wanted no more- and was asking to be placed into hospice care. We all knew what this meant. Even though we had known this moment was coming- it was an undertow that hit like a thousand tons and continued to drag you under each time you took a breath. 

Grief started to set it. Nothing that I prepared for actually helped this situation. My time with my father was coming to an end- rapidly. There is nothing that can get you ready for that thought to now become your  reality.

Two years ago when my grandmother went into hospice my father witnessed me care for her before she passed. Tears streamed down his face when he asked that when it was his time, that I show him the same love and affection.  When his time came- I stayed true to my word.  With incredible support from my mom, sister, and Aunt- my dad was my #1. His last breath was peaceful and calm. He died warm in his bed- as he had always wanted. 

To watch someone die is hard. Emotions are very raw and real. Questions come in and out of your head. For me, to not only watch- but to care for him 24/7 was something that I can't define.  My husband said it best " Hard enough to see people through their passing but incomprehensible to do for your own family member."

Now I am home in my own space, surrounded by my family. Loved on at every turn...But the truth is I am not ready to face this. I am not ready to admit that I won't ever hear my dad say "Hey Baby" to me again. It is horrible that I won't ever smell his cologne taking over the room. That my kids won't get to play "$5 dollar" with him again. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem like the events of last week really happened.  Yet, they did. 

That wave keeps coming. Sometimes it hits with that same force- I feel like I can't catch my breath. Other times it is slow and a gentle reminder. Either way it is still there and I can't figure out how to just swim with it. 

Even though I thought I was ready for this- I wasn't. I am not. I don't think anyone ever will be. Sadly, like every other moment similar to this....until it happens you don't really know.

I miss you Dad
I wish I had just one more moment

I will keep my eyes out for dimes :)