Ripple Effect and Grief

Fun Fact: I have a pretty decent fear of the water. I will go in it- but I am never calm and carefree. I am thinking about currents, undertows, other people, fish, sharks and just about anything you can imagine. Even with this fear I am very drawn to water. It is beautiful, expansive, and seems endless. I love to watch how the stillness of the water can be disrupted, the ripples continue on and on, and all at the same time the water returns to its stillness. I can watch this happen for hours. 

Currently I am battling this little thing- Grief. Maybe I shouldn't say little. Grief is huge, all encompassing, and a turbulent feeling. I never know when it will rear its ugly head and decimate my day. I can feel as calm and still as the water- and then grief comes in and causes ripples that reach into every aspect of my day. Just when I think the stillness will return- there it goes again. 

2022 was not my favorite year. Yes, there were a lot of highs for myself and my little family. With those highs were some of the biggest lows I have experienced in my lifetime.  So here it is: In a couple weeks we will have a first. The first anniversary or something I don't wish to celebrate. This anniversary is the first 365 days without my dad. You can read more about it here and here.

It is surreal. I still catch myself reaching for my phone to text him or to call him. I think about how he would love certain moments or sayings from the kids- only to realize that those are secret moments that I can share with no one. 
There is a constant reminder that a large portion of my life is missing. My dad and I were not the family that spoke daily, weekly, or even monthly....We were though, the family that picked up right where we left off. The family that laughed at moments like not a second had passed. The family that were truly happy and elated to see one another. The family that could fight and cry and make up all in one day. It wasn't perfect- but it was the only father I had.  

I used to think it was a cliché when I heard someone say that they would give anything to have one more day with a lost loved one. Now I understand. I don't want one more day with my dad. No, I want the life he should still have. He didn't take care of himself- that is no secret. He battled his own demons and never really figured out how to get ahead of it. 

So here I am, calm and still like the water I mentioned before. Sitting here thinking about what my family and I should do. A major life change is upon us. What is the right answer? The ripple effect of this decision is big- bigger than I can even imagine. Grief and fear are right there with me- telling me not to do it, to stay in my calm and still place. Grief and fear tell  me that there is no reason to cause a stir....Then I think of my dad. 
My dad didn't cause ripples. He was happy to live in the stillness of the life he was in. Chances weren't taken because the fear of the unknown kept him still. 
The question still remains- what do we do? How do we know what the right answer is? Is it time to toss a bunch of stones in the water and create some big ripples? 

I don't think many people will understand my train of thought. If you do, great. If you don't, also great. 

I miss him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. He was a powerhouse of a human- if you knew him. He could have created incredible ripples. I hope he sees the ripples we are creating and smiles from ear to ear. I also hope that somehow in this space- this life that we are living, that the ripples we are creating are positives. 

Cheers

-Sara