Reflections and Reality

 Holy Moly! It has been almost 3 years since I wrote anything out. My last post was 1/12/23...and it marked one of the hardest times in our life as a family.  The realization that the life we planned was not the life we were going to live. 

I spent some time today reading through old blog posts and realizing that this blog- once meant for me to share the happenings of the W family is now a memory holder for me. 

In the past 3 years SO many things have happened. Want some highlights?

• We moved from what we thought was our forever home to a different home
• this was one of the darkest and hardest times in our families life to try and navigate. It was isolating and sad. 
• we said goodbye to so many people that had once filled so much of our time. 
• moving 40 minutes was harder than moving across the country
• the saying "out of sight out of mind" became remarkably true
  
  
• All three of our kiddos started new schools and dealt with the trauma of what happened at PPS
• Gus had to learn how to make new friends at such a tender and vulnerable age
• Oliver learned that people can help him and he is THRIVING
• Mae continued to find her sparkle and her creative outlets were something that truly helped her manage leaving the only home she ever knew.
  
  
• Andy and I continued to grow our company and build out ASW
• My role has drastically changed and I am embracing it. 
• Andy recognized the vision he had in his head and started to do the hard work to put it on paper
  
  
• We adopted 2 GIANT dogs- who love our family but destroy EVERYTHING
  
  
• We completed 2 giant projects outside on our property that really started to make this place feel like home
• We landscaped out a giant garden for fresh produce and flowers
• We installed a pool
• our kids are fish 

• We stopped trying to make relationships work that were one sided. 
• This one was hard. 
• Our focus has been to model to our kids what a solid relationship looks like. That it is give and take. That there is effort on both sides to continue to cultivate and grow. 
  
  
  

That is a good highlight reel. So much more happened but those are the big moments.

Now onto reality:
January and February are incredibly hard months personally - In January of 2022 I lost my dad. In February of 2019 we lost our twins. I don't enjoy this time of year. It is heavy, dark and dismal. As much as I try to prepare for it and be proactive- there isn't really a way to hide from what is going on and the reality of that grief is stark. My dear cousin said to me- there isn't a way to hide from this- you have to go through it....I do feel as though I am always going through it- and always will...

I would be remiss to not mention that the world around is falling apart. I used to come to my blog and talk about the ins and outs of traveling, being a mom, being a nurse, and all the things. Today I am not sure what to write other than the amount of grief I feel is almost un-bearable.  The actions of leaders in our country are deplorable and the silence of so many is profoundly shocking.

I wonder all the time
Am I doing enough?

How can I send my children to school? 

How can I trust that anyone is safe anywhere?

How can we continue to give these people a pass?

How can so many remain silent and complicit with such heinous acts?

What do we do?

There aren't answers to these questions and that is what is scary. I am a mom, a wife, and a woman that is terrified and fed up. I am a person who can't look past the atrocities. I am person that can't understand how so many continue to follow and support these actions. 

So as I reflect on the amazing growth and change my family and I have gone through I can't help but realize that the reality outside of my family circle is stark- it is scary- and this time in our history is always going to be shrouded in such a dark cloud.